SOUND MASHEEN

Meanwhile, this is going on in Spain...

2006-12-14T13:19:00.000-05:00

I have this friend named Chickarelo who moved to Barcelona about three years ago. We went to college together, but knew each other when we were still in highschool. Now she speaks better Spanish than I do.

She sent me this video of herself (she's a performer, dancer, etc) on Spanish television where she's dancing with a turban. THE TURBAN people!! THE TURBAN!!! (If you can't recall my obsession with turbans, CLICK HERE. and ALSO HERE.

She's the last one in the V formation on the right, in pale green. oh Chick, you crazy nut. I hope you're doin' alright.

Janet keeps it under wraps

2006-12-12T14:09:00.000-05:00

Janet Jackson performs during the Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas on Dec. 4, and makes sure to cover up her titty, in case it might fall out again due to a wardrobe malfunction. We shouldn't be worried about her boobs, but more about where she's going to put that finger. Yikes.

Nobel Clit Prize

2006-12-12T14:02:00.000-05:00

Singer Lionel Richie and actress Sharon Stone make the V-sign seconds before they put their tongues through their fingers at the end of a news conference before the Nobel Peace Prize Concert in honor of celebrating lesbian cunnilingus.

And then this happens:

2006-12-12T13:54:00.000-05:00

BAGHDAD, Iraq (CNN) -- A suicide bomber targeting laborers killed 60 people Tuesday in Baghdad and wounded 220 others, Iraqi officials said.

A pickup truck, loaded with about 440 pounds (200 kilograms) of explosives, pulled into central Baghdad's Tayaran Square as hundreds of unemployed Iraqis holding picks and shovels gathered seeking a day's work.

The truck driver signaled to the would-be workers that he had jobs -- prompting people to crowd around the pickup before he detonated his bomb, said an Iraqi Interior Ministry official.

FUCKED UP.

Mary Poppins: The horror movie

2006-12-12T12:57:00.000-05:00
I LOVE Mary Poppins, and I love everything about Julie Andrews. I used to have a crush on both the character and the actress when I was little, and watched the movie every single day for a year. No joke.

When I found this little redited Mary Poppins Horror film, you can imagine my delight:

Meanwhile, this is going on in Japan....

2006-12-12T12:52:00.000-05:00
They really know how to punk people over their in Japan...

Oh Nickie, You're so Asenine!

2006-12-11T14:01:00.000-05:00

TMZ reports that Richie's car was spotted going the wrong way on a freeway in Burbank. She was booked early today for driving under the influence. Law enforcement officers told TMZ Nicole Richie admitted she had taken Vicodin and smoked pot.

TACO HELL

2006-12-11T13:50:00.000-05:00
A member of my extended family has a real weakness for Taco Bell Chalupas. Since the recent outbreak of E.Coli, which was apparently due to toxic scallions at Taco Bell, I don't think he'll be dining at the BEll anytime soon, unless he wants a good dose of bloody stool. This is so fucking disgusting.

While the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has confirmed 61 cases in five states, most in New Jersey, New york, Pennsylvania and Delaware, this is the first time that it has been found in a NYC Taco Bell.

SPEAKING OF FAST FOOD, and the insanity of it all, my love bug sent me this incredible video from SNL. It's an oldie, but it's worth a watch, and incredibly appropriate given the whole Taco Bell fiasco.

I QUIT MY F*&%*NG JOB!!!

2006-12-11T13:19:00.000-05:00

Shit! I've really dropped the big ol' ball, haven't I?

Sorry there have been no updates since before Turkey Day, but many of you will be happy to know that during this MIA time (and, no that doesn't stand for Miami International Airport), I've actually been trying to score another job—and I actually did. Look like Santa came early for my ass this year.

So, I'm going on to bigger and better places bitches!! For those of you who can't remember anything about my miserable job, or where I gleaned inspiration on how to quit this rag, CLICK HERE.

My boss had the balls to ask me for three weeks, and I took a cue from good ol' Whitney Houston, and said, HELL TO THE NO! SEE YOU LATER, you big green giant! Go suck a dick!

The days of hell's minions are OVER, people. In a few weeks, I'll be working at an entertainment zine, so I'm sure I'll have lots of juicy little scoops to provide all of you with shortly.

Cheers to REDEMPTION!

2006-11-20T12:43:00.000-05:00
It's Turkey time chickies, and I thought I might enlighten you with some candid pictures from the White House diaries, courtesy of Time magazine. Those crazy Bush's! Look at how they spend their time just days before the holidays:

Here, W and Laura look on as these fine students from Bukit View Primary School in Singapore do a complex interpretive dance about the inner workings of George Bush's brain.

SHINY SHOES! SHINY SHOES! Doesn't anyone else see how they shine so bright? It's hypnotic.

BUSH: Look at this guy! He dressed up like a PILGRIM for Thanksgiving! Isn't it hysterical. What a patriot. I better get home quick and put on my HATUEY costume!!

JACKO's BACK! SHAMAU!!

2006-11-16T14:47:00.000-05:00

MJ had an embarassing comeback Wednesday night in London at the World Music Awards.

After an hour of the crowd's waiting and anticipating, Jackson, 48, finally came on stage to accept the Diamond Award from Beyonce, who said: "If it wasn't for Michael Jackson, I would have never, ever performed. He has made such an impact on my life and every performer's life. Michael Jackson, I love you!" TMI BEYONCE, JUST TOO MUCH INFORMATION, GIRL!!

Driven to the stage in a blacked-out Mercedes surrounded by more than 20 security guards, Jackson grasped the award but had to wait for the crowd's screams to die down before he could be heard. "There have been so many who have loved me and stood by me throughout my 42 years I have been part of this business," he said. "I would like to thank my wonderful children, Paris, Prince, and Blanket, for their unconditional love and support." ESPECIALLY BLANKET, WHO SMOTHERS HIM WITH SUPPORT. YIKES.

Jackson then disappeared off stage, leaving R&B star Chris Brown to perform his version of "Thriller," backed by a dozen zombie dancers.

It was past 10:30 p.m. by the time Jackson finally performed his few lines, of "We Are The World," backed by a group of young children (HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED ANYTHING ABOUT NOT HAVING CHILDREN AROUND, MJ?) Observers noted he failed to hit some of the higher notes. LOOKS LIKE IT WASN'T A GOOD NIGHT FOR THE TESTIS!

AT LAST! The LESBIANS COME OUT...Sort of....

2006-11-16T12:04:00.000-05:00

Terminator 3 star Kristanna Loken (remember when she kissed Pink in 2004?) has given her biggest hint yet she is dating Lost actress Michelle Rodriguez. Loken was recently interviewed by gay publication The Advocate, where she was asked about stories linking her with her sexy co-star on the set of BloodRayne. When asked about rumours that the two hooked up during the shoot, Loken laughed and took a deep breath before replying, "There is the $64,000 question. Um...I don't even know how to answer that." She was then asked if the two had fun partying together, Loken replied, "Uh-huh," while smiling slyly. When the interviewer said her silence "said volumes," the actress replied, "Just don't look upstairs, OK?" The couple have been frequently photographed together with their arms around each other in Los Angeles.

KRISTANNA: MY, WHAT A BIG SWORD YOU HAVE!!
MICHELLE: YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT MY TORPEDOES

PINK LIKES IT BLONDE

Another video from Kelly

2006-11-14T14:12:00.000-05:00
For all of you who LOVE Kelly Likes Shoes, here's one more:

Meanwhile, this is going on in Japan

2006-11-14T14:11:00.001-05:00

Just the way Tom likes it; FROM THE BACK END

2006-11-13T13:54:00.000-05:00
KAT(I)E MAKES A NICE TOP TO TOM'S BOTTOM

MADGEY in Red....

2006-11-13T13:45:00.000-05:00

So pissed off about the heat she's getting for adopting an African baby, Madonna had to dress up in her "civilian" clothes and go see a movie (probably Marie Antoinette) so that she could feel whole again this past weekend.

By the way—Sofia Coppola's Marie Antionette sucks. Shocker, I know. But it failed mainly because it's another movie about Sofia Coppola (a rich bich who feels alone in the world, and just wants to be adored). Poo Poo Sofia. Your movie smells of Poo Poo.

WHY DOES SHE ALWAYS LOOK LIKE SHE'S JUST FINISHED EATING A TURD?

STATING THE OBVIOUS

2006-11-13T12:46:00.000-05:00

Hello people. I'm back, and with a vengeance. I've been MIA because I went on a bit of a bender to celebrate all those celebrity sisters who've been dumping those lame ass husbands who've leeched off of them financially and can't seem to satisfy them emotionally or sexually. First, Whitney blew our minds by divorcing Bobby Brown, proving that crack is not the only thing that's whack. AND NOW, Britney has dumped Kevin Federetarded. Aces, Brit! It only took you a couple of years to realize he was a greasy ne'er-do-well hobo, but way to go.

Her first husband, Jason Alexander, spoke about Brit's impending divorce from K-Fed:

Alexander, whom Spears married in Las Vegas in 2004 (their marriage was annulled 55 hours later-remember that disaster?), tells TV's Extra of Federline: "I don't hate the guy. … I think he made an idiot of himself." Asked whether he thought Federline married the pop star for her money, Alexander replied, "I don't know, the only thing he's done since they've been married is spend money." As for the potential custody battle over the couple's two sons, Sean Preston, 1, and Jayden James, Alexander said, "He won't get the kids ... he can't take care of his first two." (Federline has two children with ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson.)

What a shocker.

2006-11-13T12:41:00.001-05:00

Jude Law and Sienna Miller have reportedly split for good, blaming "fundamental differences" for the end of their three year relationship. The pair only reunited earlier this year after splitting in 2005 when Law's affair with his children's nanny Daisy Wright was revealed by a national newspaper.

What a shame it is. I felt like the two idiotic twits balanced each other's raging egos so well. Serves you right, Jude, you little Mary Poppins-seducer. And as for you Sienna, now I suppose you can take your two-bit Scarlett-Johansen acting carreer and make something out of it.

DOOGIE HOWSER COMES OUT!

2006-11-06T10:15:00.000-05:00

Apparently inspired by the numerous recent outings of Lance from the band Insync, Grey's Anatomy star T.R. Knight, Republican Mark Foley, and most recently, Ted Haggard, (one of the most prominent and politically powerful evangelical pastors in the country), actor Neil Patrick Harris has ended mounting speculation about his sexuality, by revealing he is gay. He says, "(I) am quite proud to say that I am a very content gay man living my life to the fullest."

My question is: Where the lesbians at??? Hello ladies! Come out, come out, wherever you are!!!

Dr. "McDreamy" used to have a mommy fetish

2006-11-03T11:49:00.000-05:00
This is crazy, but it's actually true.

At age 21, Patrick Dempsey married this 47 year old woman, Rocky Parker. She filed for divorce in 1991, citing “irreconcilable differences,” reportedly after he told her that he had met another woman.

Parker (who's now 71 years old) is distancing herself from those accusations. After the Enquirer contacted Dempsey’s rep for comment, Parker released a statement saying that during the messy divorce she had been advised to make those accusations and others — which she now says are false.

Kanye's shitshow

2006-11-03T10:29:00.000-05:00

Rapper Kanye West was named Best Hip Hop artist but still came off as a sore loser at the MTV Europe Music Awards.

Kanye apparently was so pissed at not winning for Best Video that he crashed the stage Thursday in Copenhagen when the award was being presented to Justice and Simian for "We Are Your Friends."

Cussing and throwing a tantrum onstage, Kanye said he should have won the prize for his video "Touch The Sky," because it "cost a million dollars, Pamela Anderson was in it. I was jumping across canyons."

"If I don't win, the awards show loses credibility," Kanye said.

TOMMY BOY

2006-11-03T10:18:00.000-05:00

Tom Cruise and MGM studios are resurrecting United Artists, the movie studio founded more than 80 years ago by screen legends including Charlie Chaplin and Mary Pickford. MGM executives yesterday announced the new plans which will have Cruise starring in and producing films for the studio. Cruise's production partner Paula Wagner will serve as chief executive for the new studio. According to MGM, Cruise and Wagner will set the company's production slate from development to production green-lighting ability.

Who did Tom Cruise blow to get this kind of deal?? Get ready for a shit-load of Scientology-tinged movies, people.

Ignoring Ryan Phillipe and Reese Witherspoon DIVORCE

2006-11-02T11:03:00.000-05:00
I know i haven't blogged in days. It's because the minions of hell (my coworkers) have locked me in my cubicle, and will only let me come out when I've done all the shitty work that's required of this job. Also, I have a lot of freelance work going on right now, so sorry about being MIA.

Anyhow, the love of my life just sent me this video. It might not be SHOES , but it's damn funny.

Mariah doesn't fare well in Japan.

2006-10-27T12:21:00.000-04:00

Pop superstar Mariah Carey's Hong Kong concert this weekend has been axed after the singer made a string of last minute diva demands. Promoters in the Chinese territory are furious at Carey's "unreasonable" behavior.

For instance, instead of indulging in the Chinese delicacy of Dog Meat, the pop diva requested cat brains, and the Chinese thought this was incredibly undignified of her. Also, she requested 5 boxes of fortune dumplings, and when Chinese officials tried to correct her by saying they're called fortune cookies, she went ape-shit, and jumped into a huge vat of luke-warn Ramen noodles, which was intended to feed all of the little Chinese girls that are put up for adoption, since you're only allowed to have 1 child per household in China, and most parents chuck the girls and keep the boys. Better luck next time Mariah?

"Days of Our Lives" gets a CLAYMATE

2006-10-27T12:01:00.000-04:00

Clay Aiken will be appearing on the NBC daytime drama "Days of our Lives" as himself, performing "Everything I Have," a song from his new album, as part of a private concert for Steve (Stephen Nichols) and Kayla (Mary Beth Evans) in the local "Days of Our Lives Salem" club called Dune.

After performing the song, Clay Aiken is supposedly going to have a hot and steamy on-screen sex scene with John Black (who has the same haircut as Clay, and who used to be known as Roman, before he was a priest, a bounty hunter, and a cross-dresser). In the episode, Marlena (aka: DOC) is supposed to catch Clay and John Black in the throes of passion, and tries to shoot Clay, but is so traumatized by Aiken's baby dick that she relapses into a demonically posessed state, at which point Aiken makes a holy cross out of his highlighted hair and exorcises her demons, but only after he shoves his contact lenses up John Black's butt for safe keeping.

GOD, IT WOULD BE SO COOL IF THAT LAST PART WAS ACTUALLY GOING TO HAPPEN.

SURPRISE SURPRISE, NAOMI CAMPBELL IS FUCKING INSANE!

2006-10-26T11:29:00.000-04:00

Naomi Campbell was arrested AGAIN for assault. She didn't hit her maid with her cell phone again, but get this: she apparently assaulted her DRUG COUNCELOR. WHO DOES THAT? WHO IS THAT INSANE? I enlisted the help of Phylicia Rashad (i found out we had the same oral surgeon when I got my wisdom teeth yanked out, and she glided into the office just like when she used to make a suave entrance on The Cosby Show). Anyhow, she always has such a polite and poised way of giving tough love, so she promptly wrote this letter to Naomi:

Dear Naomi,
Come here. Let me hold your hand, child. Let me try to explain to you in a calm manner (so that you don't beat me to a pulp) that hitting your drug councelor is not going to get you a daytime talk show or a reality tv show like Tyra Banks. Your anger management issues are BEYOND the kind of stunts that Liza ("the hulk") Minnelli pulled on David Gest when she used to slap him around. Your tantrums are lethal, bitch. Get it together.
Love,
Claire Huxtable

Michael J Fox. VS. Rush (not the band, people)

2006-10-26T11:17:00.000-04:00

Michael J. Fox has responded to conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh, who suggested that Fox's Parkinson's-related tremors in a TV ad for a Democratic politician were exaggerated.

In the ad for Missouri Senate challenger Claire McCaskill, who supports stem-cell research, Fox exhibits the severe shaking and stiffness associated with Parkinson's disease. (See clip below.) But Limbaugh said on his syndicated radio program Tuesday that Fox was "either off his medication or acting."

If you haven't seen the video, here it is:

Campaigning in Chicago for Democratic Congressional candidate Tammy Duckworth, Fox shot back, "My pills are working really well right now," the Associated Press reports.

Limbaugh said on his radio show, "If this was not an act, then I apologize." He went on to say, however, that Fox is allowing his illness to be exploited.

First of all, RUSH LIMBAUGH is so damn desperate to find a new way to gain the respect of humanity (yes, that includes Republicans) again. Guess what? This just isn't going to cut it. Making inflamitory statements like these is severely fucked up. Just because he checked into rehab doesn't mean he's a medical authority on illness? The way he goes on about Fox's pills and his acting makes me think he's been taking a few tips from TOM CRUISE lately???? And you know what, it's Fox's illness, so he can use it or not use it in any way he goddamn pleases!!

Maternity Leave from Elle?

2006-10-24T15:02:00.000-04:00

Project Runway judge Nina Garcia and her husband, David Conrod, a senior managing director at Guggenheim Capital, are expecting their first child together in March, Garcia confirms People magazine.

WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS: WHO THE HELL WOULD WANT TO IMPREGNATE THIS SOUR-PUSS OF A BITCH? I FEEL INFINITELY SORRY FOR HER SPAWN.

Meanwhile, this is going on in Japan...

2006-10-19T12:01:00.000-04:00
Happy Thursday people. I'll be away, traveling this vast land that is our country by car tomorrow, and won't be back till Monday, but thought I'd leave you with a lasting image. By now, I hope all of you have watched the Liza Video that I posted a few days ago. (How about that kid who does an impersonation of her—pretty damn AWESOME, huh?)

Anyhow, here's a recent video that I found about a crazy Japanese Kung-fu instructor. He manages to capture exactly what I'd like to do to some of my co-workers on a regular basis.

Inter-race adoptees are weary about Madonna adopting an African child

2006-10-18T11:15:00.000-04:00
Did they ever give Angelina Jolie this much shit for her adopting her first two "racially diverse" children?

GREEDY CELEBRITY GETS SNIPED BY IRS

2006-10-18T11:08:00.000-04:00
According to IMDB:

"Actor Wesley Snipes has been indicted on eight counts of tax fraud over allegations he tried to cheat the US government out of millions of dollars in false refund claims. Snipes also failed to file tax returns for six years between 1999 and 2004, according to legal documents filed in Tampa, Florida. He could face up to 16 years behind bars if found guilty of the tax offenses, which total nearly $12 million in fraudulently claimed refunds on income taxes paid in 1996 and 1997. Snipes has so far evaded arrest because authorities cannot find him."

LIZA MINELLI - Like you've never seen her before.

2006-10-17T12:17:00.000-04:00
Here's the pilot episode of the Liza Minnelli and David Gest reality show that was supposed to air on VH-1 but didn't.
This is the MOST important video I will ever put on this damn blog, so I just can't bring myself to keep on blogging unless I know ever single one of you has seen it. I mean it people. This is INCREDIBLE! I didn't expect that my love for Liza could grow even further.

Click on the link! Whatcha waiting for??

Smile of the STARS

2006-10-16T12:02:00.000-04:00

THE WORLD IS A SHITSHOW...AND HERE'S THE MOST RECENT EVIDENCE OF WHY THIS IS SO

2006-10-16T10:55:00.000-04:00
I've been reading the news a lot lately, mostly to be able to update this blog when I can. Sometimes, when you read too much bad news, it can get to you. But I always have to remind myself that bad things have always happened. The world has always been fucked up. And tragedies occur simultaneously all the time. But sometimes, it just gets to me:

1. North Korea, which announced last Monday that it had successfully detonated a nuclear device, has denounced the resolution, accused the Security Council of gangsterism and warned that any American pressure on the North Korean government would be regarded as an act of war.

2. Israel's president canceled his appearance at the opening session of parliament Monday, succumbing to intense pressure after police recommended indicting him on rape charges. [ISN'T IT ODD THAT MOST U.S. NEWSPAPERS FAILED TO INCLUDE THIS INFO IN THEIR TOP NEWS? OF COURSE NOT! CAUSE THAT WOULD JUST MAKE THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION'S SUPPORT FOR ISRAEL LOOK BAD!]

3. Sunday morning brought chaos to the normally serene and lush Big Island of Hawaii as it shook with the state's biggest earthquake since 1983.

4. President Bush assured Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki on Monday that the United States had not set any deadline for the Iraqi government to bring the violence under control, the White House said.

5. A day after five members of a family were gunned down in their southeastern Iowa home, the family’s 22-year-old son was charged with murdering them.
6. A U.S. military pilot who flew a U.S. Air Force jet from New York to Germany to pick up 200,000 pills of Ecstasy was sentenced Friday to 17 1/2 years in prison. [GOOD TO KNOW THAT OUR TAX DOLLARS ARE GOING TOWARDS DRUG TRAFFICKING THAT'S BEING OPERATED BY THE U.S. AIRFORCE. AND WE TRY TO PIN IT ON COLOMBIA. SHEESH.]

7. Coast Guard officials want to mount machine guns on their boats around the Great Lakes as a counterterrorism measure. [GREAT, THAT'S ALL WE NEED. MORE HICKS WITH GUNS.]

8. In their first news interviews, three former Duke University students told the CBS News program “60 Minutes” that they were falsely accused of raping a woman hired to dance at a lacrosse team party last March. [CUT THE CRAP YOU FUCKIN' RICH LITTLE JOCKS, AND OWN UP TO YOUR CRIME. YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF SLEEZY MAGGOTS WHO ARE JUST POUTING ABOUT GETTING ASS-RAPED IN JAIL. IF YOU'RE GOING TO RAPE A WOMAN, YOU SHOULD EXPECT THE SAME IN RETURN. AN EYE FOR AN EYE, BROTHERS.]

9. According to the New York Times, companies are not building power plants and power lines fast enough to meet growing demand, according to a group recently assigned by the federal government to assure proper operation of the power grid. The group, the North American Electric Reliability Council, in its annual report, to be released Monday, said the amount of power that could be generated or transmitted would drop below the target levels meant to ensure reliability on peak days in Texas, New England, the Mid-Atlantic area and the Midwest during the next two to three years.

10. A woman and her two young children will get a special Christmas dinner at one of Atlanta’s most expensive restaurants this year — courtesy of a Rockdale County judge who imposed that sentence on a man charged with family violence on Christmas Day.
“Basically you were hung over and didn’t want to be involved in some activities your wife planned,” Chief Superior Court Judge Sidney Nation told Wendell Jerome Herman Rogers II. “You acted up and ruined Christmas, so this year you’re going to make it up to them.” Authorities said the 33-year-old Rogers came home from a party on Christmas Eve and got into a confrontation with his wife in front of their two young children the next morning. He then tried to prevent his wife from calling for help.
He will have to submit a receipt to the court for the family dinner by Jan. 5. [ONLY IN CONYERS, GA, PEOPLE. ONLY IN CONYERS.]

Dipshit of the Year

2006-10-16T10:42:00.000-04:00

Tara Reid was apparently "devastated" after she had breast implants and liposuction procedures. In US Weekly, she says, "I got my breasts done for the first time because my breasts were uneven. I was a 34B, but the right one was always bigger than the left. I weigh 110 pounds now [ANOREXIA!], but I always used to fluctuate by 10 pounds, so my skin was kind of saggy. I figured, 'I'm in Hollywood, I'm getting older, I'm going to fix them.'" [FIRST OF ALL TARA, YOU'RE NOT IN HOLLYWOOD. YOU DON'T EVEN DO ANYTHING IN HOLLYWOOD. YOU WERE LIKE IN ONE MOVIE, AND IT SUCKED, SO DON'T TRY TO CLAIM A CAREER YOU DON'T HAVE].

Tara goes on to saying, "First of all, I asked for big Bs, and he (the doctor) did not give me big Bs. He gave me Cs, and I didn't want them. At all. Right after the surgery, I had some bumps along the edges of my nipples, but the doctor said, 'Don't worry, it's going to be better.' But after six months it started to get worse and worse." The actress says her breast implants made her self-conscious - especially when it came to being intimate. She says, "Guys I was dating would be like, 'What's wrong with them? They look really bad. You know, you should really get them fixed.' So embarrassing. I mean, you definitely need to turn the lights off, that's for sure." [WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLES HAVE YOU BEEN DATING TARA?]

Reid also underwent liposuction on her thin frame at the same time to make her muscles appear more sculpted [CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT!!]. She says, "I got lipo because even though I was skinny, I wanted - I'm not going to lie - a six-pack. I had body contouring, but it all went wrong. My stomach became the most ripply, bulgy thing." Reid underwent reconstructive surgery last month and has endured a painful recovery, but insists her life is back on track. She adds, "I'll never be perfect again, but I've got my self confidence back." [YOU DON'T HAVE SHIT, TARA. AND IF YOU WANT A SIX-PACK, WHY DON'T YOU EXERCISE LIKE THE REST OF US, YOU FREAKIN' DERANGED BARBIE. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE TOO BUSY TO GO TO THE GYM, BECAUSE YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE AN ACTING CAREER.]

Meanwhile, this is going on in Japan...

2006-10-12T13:54:00.001-04:00
The Japanese take their rock,paper,scissor games VERY seriously

Animals teach us a thing or two about being GAY

2006-10-12T13:18:00.000-04:00

The birds and the bees may be gay, according to the world's first museum exhibition about homosexuality among animals.
With documentation of gay or lesbian behavior among giraffes, penguins, parrots, beetles, whales and dozens of other creatures, the Oslo Natural History Museum concludes human homosexuality cannot be viewed as "unnatural". "We may have opinions on a lot of things, but one thing is clear -- homosexuality is found throughout the animal kingdom, it is not against nature," an exhibit statement said.

Geir Soeli, the project leader of the exhibition entitled "Against Nature", told Reuters: "Homosexuality has been observed for more than 1,500 animal species, and is well documented for 500 of them." The museum said the exhibition, opening on Thursday despite condemnation from some Christians, was the first in the world on the subject. Soeli said a Dutch zoo had once organised tours to view homosexual couples among the animals."The sexual urge is strong in all animals. ... It's a part of life, it's fun to have sex," Soeli said of the reasons for homosexuality or bisexuality among animals.
First of all, this is fucking AWESOME! Looks like the animals have got it figured out more than we do, and they're not FREAKING out about it!
Secondly, I wish more humans would think that "it's fun to have sex." More than ever, I feel like people are replacing sex with food, tv, their fucking cars, and their dumbass days at the spa. SEX is FUN people! Why don't we revisit it?!

Mr. T gets warm and fuzzy

2006-10-12T13:09:00.000-04:00

After disappearing from public view about a decade ago, Mr. T, known for his roles in television's "The A-Team" and a boxer in the movie "Rocky III," is back, and he's looking for sad saps to save and give some tough love to. He's the star of a new reality TV show starting this week called "I Pity the Fool" on the TV Land cable network. In the show he storms into struggling businesses and families to give guidance on everything from business to love.

"It is my job to motivate them," Mr. T told Reuters in an interview. It is all about doing positive things."

I'm sure his nuggets of wisdom will be priceless.

"TERRORIST" WAS A YANKEE PITCHER

2006-10-12T12:50:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I got a call from numerous people in other parts of the country to make sure that the building I work in wasn't the one that got hit by a small airplane yesterday here in Manhattan.

The whole debacle yesterday was ridiculous - everyone was pointing to terrorism, when it seemed so obvious to me that it was just an accident (albeit, a sad one, for the Yankee's pitcher, Cory Lidle, whose plane just unfortunately swerved out of his control). Even my co-worker rushed into my cube shouting, "Did you here that a terrorist crashed an airplane into a building just now???!!" without even knowing the facts. This is how it starts people. We've been absolutely brainwashed by fear.

People are so revved up and juiced up with fear, they can't fucking think straight, and the first thing that comes to their mind is that the terrorists are out to get us. How 'bout this—–WHY the fuck would a terrorist fly a plane into a random condo building on the upper east side?? To buy an apartment? To make the real estate prices in the Upper East Side even cheaper than they are now? It's not like planes haven't crashed into buildings in NYC before!! In 1945, an army corps plane accidentally crashed into THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING, for chris' sake!

I realized yesterday, after speaking with several people, that this country has really gone to the shitter. Everybody's so charged up, on edge, and ready to fucking burst at any moment. It makes me feel like President Bush, who's into the business of selling fear, has made quite a profit off of injecting people with a paralyzing terror—terror to live, terror to breathe. It's gotten out of hand.

Also, you'd think Manhattan would have regulations about how close airplanes can fly around the island. Guess what? They don't. Wouldn't you say that if the threat of terrorism was actually real, that we would have those regulations put into place?

Give it to 'em BABS!

2006-10-11T10:53:00.000-04:00
No, this is not a drag queen. It's the real Babs.

Barbra Streisand was forced to shut up a heckler at her celebrity-packed New York City gig on Monday night, when the man took exception to her onstage digs at President George W. Bush. Babs, a staunch Democrat and is still appalled that Bush was elected to the most powerful position in the world, despite doubts over the crucial result in Florida in 2000. And Streisand's gigs on her current US tour feature a political satire sketch where an actor playing the Republican president reels off lines including, "I'm concerned about the national debt, so I'm selling Canada," and, "If I cared about the polls I would have run for president of Poland." At Monday's Madison Square Garden gig, some members of the 20,000 audience wanted Streisand to leave politics aside and just sing her songs. Babs first pleaded with the hecklers, "Come on, be polite!" But one heckler then shouted, "What is this? A fundraiser?" An irritated Streisand reportedly immediately retorted, to applause, "Why don't you shut the fuck up! If you can't take a joke, why don't you leave and get your money back." The man then walked out of the concert—Later asshole!

Can't stand hearing about Loser Lohan anymore!

2006-10-11T10:25:00.000-04:00

Recently, Lindsay Lohan, jumped onstage to sing a karaoke version of Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" with deejay pal Samantha Ronson at West Hollywood bar Guy's. "Give it up up for LL!," Ronson shouted. Earlier, the good times weren't flowing when an intoxicated clubgoer walked backwards into the actress and knocked her phone out of her hands (and then fell into Lohan's table). She asked the bar owner to throw the patron out and got her wish.

Two things: First, was Lindsay even born yet when the underrated Steve Perry came out with "Don't Stop Believin'"?? And secondly, can we make it a rule to kick Lindsay out of a club the next time she drunkenly stumbles over club patrons—which is ALWAYS!

My Cubicle

2006-10-10T11:29:00.000-04:00

Tom Cracks the WHIP!

2006-10-10T11:13:00.000-04:00

Tom Cruise has hired a team of babysitters for his fiancee Katie Holmes so she has time to get in shape for their "wedding ceremony." (a.k.a. final initiation into level 100 of Scientology). According to gossip website Tmz.com, Tom is reportedly "very concerned" that Katie (sorry, Kate!) loses the weight she gained while pregnant before their big day, which is set to take place in early November. To ensure Holmes looks perfect when she walks down the aisle, Cruise has joined her on the grueling training sessions - and has drafted an "army" of babysitters (which probably include John Travolta, Kelly Preston. or any other thetan robot of the kind) to look after their baby daughter Suri so they can exercise without any interruptions.

What a freakin' LOON!

RUN! The Aliens are back!

2006-10-06T11:10:00.000-04:00
Don't look into their eyes! They might burn you alive with their alien juices!

Aliens Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen disguise themselves as human hobos during presentation of the Spring-Summer 2007 ready to wear collection by British designer John Galliano for French fashion house Dior in Paris on Oct. 3.

Scientologist are the new attraction at Disneyland

2006-10-06T11:09:00.000-04:00
Look at what Scientology did to these poor sad saps.

"King of Queens" actress Leah Remini, left, along with husband Angelo Pagan and daughter Sofia, pose at Disneyland's "Halloween Time" in Anaheim, Calif., on Oct. 3.

My Body is a Wonderland.

2006-10-06T11:03:00.000-04:00
I've never liked John Mayer. I think his songs are kinda silly, and I think his performances are masturbatory concerts—because the only person getting off on him opening up his mouth like that and rubbing his guitar over his dick is himself.

John Mayer (exposing his tiny package) performs on Oct. 4 at Glendale Arena in Glendale, Ariz.

Here's some MORE of Clinton Woopin' Ass

2006-10-06T10:41:00.000-04:00
Watch how he touches Chris Wallace's knee and points his finger in his face. It's awesome. It's like a silver fox shredding up a little greasy possum.

Paris' Bruiser

2006-10-05T12:25:00.000-04:00

Paris Hilton claims that Shanna Moakler, the 'Dancing With the Stars' Contestant, Punched Her.

It's about time somebody did.

Can a gay man theoretically be Republican??

2006-10-04T11:36:00.000-04:00

Disgraced former Rep. Mark Foley said through his lawyer Tuesday that he was sexually abused by a clergyman as a teenager, but accepts full responsibility for sending salacious computer messages to teenage male pages.
Attorney David Roth said Foley was molested between ages 13 and 15. He declined to identify the clergyman or the church, but Foley is Roman Catholic.
"Mark Foley wants you to know he is a gay man," Roth told reporters as Republicans struggled with fallout from Foley's resignation.
I will tell you this Foley: You will not have any friends in the gay community, because you haven't supported legislation for gay rights at all in the past. GOOD LUCK FINDING A DATE, YOU ASSHOLE. And, you won't have any Republican friends, because they all feel like you've betrayed their right-wing bigoted ways.

I ask you, how many other closeted Republicans do we have out there? I'm willing to bet that there are hundreds of thousands, if not millions. Can someone please explain to me why a homosexual Republican could even exist? I know they're out there—i just don't know why. Why?

Here are some of Foley's Greatest Hits:
1. In the House, Foley was one of the foremost opponents of child pornography. Foley had served as chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children. [THE IRONY OF THIS IS JUST TOO PROFOUND FOR ME TO EVEN COMMENT PROPERLY]

2. In late 2000 Foley played a large role in aiding George W. Bush during the Presidential election recount controversy in Florida.

Work Woes

2006-10-04T11:21:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I went into my Editor-in-Cheif's office to follow-up about that raise that I asked for two months ago. She gave me the run-around, said she had asked for it from the powers that be, and was waiting on an answer. Basically, she fed me a load of bullshit. Little did I know that I was trying to hold my ground and defend my right for more money with my fly totally open.

Yes, it was an embarrassing moment for ol' Elle Cue, and yes, I saw my editor-in-chief looking towards the general area of my pants, but I thought the glances were signs of mere admiration foor my very chic shirt, so I didn't really pay any attention, until I left the office, went back to my cubicle, and realized my zipper was all the way down, and my jeans were bunched up in the front. Humiliating, yes. But now I think that my editor-in-chief probably thinks I'm crazy, and that's probably a good thing, cause maybe she'll think twice about dicking me around, cause maybe she knows I'll do something insane, like come to work with my shirt buttoned just a little too low, and expose my tits or something. Yeah, I think my little mishap just might work out for me.

Who am i kidding. Look at what an open fly has done for Bush.

Britney's Secret Song

2006-10-04T11:17:00.000-04:00

Britney Spears has her hands full now as a mother of two, but she's still finding time to deliver new music on her Web site. Though the new version of BritneySpears.com is still under construction, the singer has hidden a snippet of what appears to be a song called "Rebellion" on the main page.

It can be heard after the growling noises simmer down and Britney morphs into a Bengalese tiger. In the song, she sings, "Be wary of others, the ones closest to you/ The poison they feed you and the voodoo that they do ... But in rebellion, there's a sparkle of truth/ Don't just stand there, do what you got to do ... You'll find it so compelling with everyone yelling/ 'Cause your soul, you're not selling, 'cause you're rebelling."

That's right Britney, you're a rebel. Rebel on, Brit. Rebel, you rebel. We all know you're not selling your soul—you're more white trash than ever—and we love it, cause that's the real you, Brit. You're a white trash rebel, and we're glad you're finally owning up to it. BRAVO, Brit, bravo.

GOOD GOD! BABS IS BACK!

2006-10-04T11:09:00.000-04:00

Six years after declaring she was giving up live performances, Barbra Streisand returns to the stage on Wednesday to launch her first proper concert tour in well over a decade, and the biggest of her career.

Insisting she has conquered the stage fright that made her a virtual stranger to the concert circuit for years, Streisand, 64, says her comeback tour was sparked mostly by her desire to raise money for her favorite charities. [Why? Cause, people. People who need people, are the luuuuckiest peeeeople in the woooorrld.]

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU ONSTAGE BABS, YOU BIG OL' FREAKSHOW!

Madge takes a cue from Brangelina

2006-10-04T11:04:00.000-04:00

While on a mini-break from her tour, Madonna popped over to Malawi today to adopt an African child and fund an orphan center for 1,000 children, many of whom lost parents to AIDS. That's how it's done today. You just pop into any old country and snap up a kid to adopt. What a bitter sweet fate that kid's gonna have.

Grey Gardens Tribute

2006-10-03T18:22:00.000-04:00
The Turban people. The TURBAN!

Clinton had Monica, and Foley has his "page"

2006-10-03T10:55:00.000-04:00
Look at this guy. Doesn't he look like a little pervy turd?

Speaker J. Dennis Hastert faced intensifying questions on Monday about why Republicans had not reacted more assertively to Representative Mark Foley’s messages to a teenage page, as members of his party, fearing a political debacle, demanded a strong response.

Mr. Foley, 52, who resigned Friday after being confronted with sexually explicit instant messages he had sent to pages, released a statement saying he had entered a rehabilitation clinic for treatment of “alcoholism and related behavioral problems.” [I DON'T BUY THAT WHOLE ALCOHOLISM BIT. THE GUY'S A PERVERT, AND I'M SURPRISED HE HASN'T ALREADY BEEN CAUGHT ON DATELINE'S TO CATCH A PREDATOR.]

At a news conference in West Palm Beach, Fla., late Monday, Mr. Foley’s lawyer, David Roth, said that Mr. Foley had sent the inappropriate e-mail messages while under the influence of alcohol and that he had kept his drinking problem secret.

A former aide and other associates said in interviews that they did not believe Mr. Foley had a drinking problem. [YEAH, EITHER DO I–SOUNDS LIKE HORESHIT TO ME]

Georgie.

2006-10-03T10:18:00.000-04:00

"George Clooney is so desperate to bring paparazzi culture to an end, he plans to start dating as many A-list beauties as possible. The single actor/director admits his carefully thought out plan might not be entirely plausible, but believes it would soon change public perception of celebrity gossip," reports IMDB.

He says, "Here is my theory in debunking photographs in magazines. You know, the paparazzi photographs. I want to spend every single night for three months going out with a different famous actress. You know, Halle Berry one night, Salma Hayek the next, and then walk on the beach holding hands with Leonardo DiCaprio. People would still buy the magazines, they'd still buy the pictures, but they would always go, 'I don't know if these guys are putting us on or not."

GOD SAVE GEORGE CLOONEY. THAT'S ABOUT THE ONLY SANE THING I'VE HEARD A CELEBRITY SAY IN A VERY VERY LONG TIME.

What do Paris Hilton and Marie Antoinette Have in Common?

2006-10-02T21:55:00.000-04:00

Sofia Coppola's imagining of the life of Marie Antoinette, played by Kirsten Dunst (why don't you just gag my with a barbie doll!), has her flouncing around Versailles, eating cakes, trying on shoes and gowns, gambling and giggling with her girlfriends and trying desperately to sexually arouse her betrothed king-to-be (Jason Schwartzman), who seems more interested in locks and his daily hunts then her.

HMMM.. SOUNDS LIKE THE LIFE STORY OF PARIS HILTON TO ME, SET TO THE 18th CENTURY.

OH SOFIA COPPOLA! YOU ARE ALWAYS MAKING SUCH A WITTY STATEMENT, AREN'T YOU? THANK GOD FOR YOUR SUBTLE MESSAGES ABOUT RICH BICHES, HIGH SOCIETY, AND POP CULTURE.

WHATEVER. I'LL STILL SEE IT. WHY NOT.

Spit Slinging

2006-10-02T21:30:00.000-04:00

Avril Lavigne has agreed that spitting at the paparazzi is probably not a good thing to do. Lavigne issued a statement apologizing after she and her husband, Deryck Whibley clashed with paparazzi in Los Angeles.

I SAY SPIT ON THEM. FREEDOM OF SPIT, I SAY. HOW DOES ANY CELEBRITY EXPECT TO KEEP HER SHIT REIGNED IN SHE CAN'T EVEN TAKE A CRAP WITHOUT SOMEBODY CAPTURING IT ON CAMERA. SPIT ON 'EM, AVRIL! BETTER YET, JUST LET A BIG SMELLY ONE RIP AS YOU WALK BY THEM. THAT'S RIGHT.

Eyeing the Goods

2006-10-02T21:25:00.000-04:00

Nelly decides whether he wants to pull a Justin Timberlake on Janet Jackson during the NBC "Today" show in New York's Rockefeller Center last week. Either that, or he's trying to cough up his gold tooth that he just swallowed.

The Prince of Androgyny

2006-10-02T21:23:00.000-04:00

Pop star Prince attends the Versace Spring/Summer 2007 women's fashion collection in Milan, Italy, on Sept. 29.

PRINCE: "Hello earthlings! Won't you climb inside my shirt and frolick in my jungle chest hair? These two ladies at my side will be happy to escort you there."

Dave Mathew takes a dump in NJ

2006-10-02T21:19:00.000-04:00

Dave Matthews performs at the Farm Aid concert in Camden, N.J., on Sept. 30.

You don't fool us Dave. You ain't singin'. You've just been constipated for days man, and you can't wait to get to the crapper. THE PAIN!

FASHION FOPA

2006-10-02T15:15:00.000-04:00

France's biggest fashion group presented plans on Monday for a futuristic museum built out of glass to promote the heritage of its brands, promising the new Paris landmark would be a celebration of creativity.

The "Louis Vuitton Foundation for Creation" will be housed in a glass-clad building soaring over the trees in the Bois de Boulogne park on the city's western edge that Canadian-American architect Frank Gehry said was intended to resemble a cloud.

GREAT. THAT'S ALL WE NEED. A MONUMENT TO CELEBRATE TACKINESS AND A 100-YEAR LEGACY OF CHEAP CHINATOWN KNOCK-OFFS.

Homeless Cribs

2006-10-02T14:52:00.000-04:00
I recently got this email from a fan on Myspace when I asked her how it was like working at a Homeless Shelter:

Been working at a homeless shelter in Salt Lake City for 5 years now as a social worker. It's tough, that's for sure, but not so much rewarding. Sometimes yes, but not too often. You have to appreciate the small things sometimes, otherwise you'd go crazy and would wanna run down every homeless person you see on the street. I'm good at parties though as I have a lotta good stories about my clients. My favorite is how I actually had to tell a client to stop letting her kids pee in pots and pans in her room. The bathrooms were too far away for her I guess so she let them do their business in pots and pans. I actually had to have a conversation with a grown adult about why this wasn't OK. Seriously! I went to grad school and am $50,000 in debt due to student loans for this shit?!?!? It can get a little disenchanting.

My heart goes out to her, so I found this little video that might cheer her up.
This homeless guy shows off his pimped ride!

Meanwhile, this is going on in Japan...

2006-10-02T11:29:00.000-04:00
This japanese TV show teaches you english and aerobics at the same time.

Both eerie and hypnotic at the same time...

Bill Clinton gives Chris Wallace an ASS-WOOPIN'

2006-10-02T11:20:00.000-04:00
Clinton may be flying off the handle in this video, but in the documentary "OUTFOXED" we all learned that Fox news gets their marching orders every day from the White House- what to cover, how to cover it, and how to spin it. So I don't mind of Clinton gets a little batshit crazy on their asses.

Thank God for the Turban

2006-10-02T10:59:00.000-04:00

Photo: Kateandcamilla.com

Let it be known throughout the land that I am predicting the return of the Turban. Despite the fact that I wear one in that picture of me that's posted on this blog, there are other reasons, of course, for such a charged statement. What with all the Grey Gardens hype that's bound to come (Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore are doing the movie version), it's inevitable that the turban is going to experience a Renaissance of sorts. Just look how J.Lo has picked up on my vibe—and as we all know, she's ALWAYS been quite the arbiter of taste.

Gap Feeds 'Em the Old Audrey Hepburn fantasy

2006-10-02T10:38:00.000-04:00

Let's get one thing straight. I'm willing to bet that 75% of American women will NOT look good in Gap's Skinny black pants. WHY? Because we aren't all created with bodies that look like twigs. What a weird thing for Gap to do—to sell skinny pants, when most of their clientele are women who wear sizes 10 and above. But of course, the GAP is never one to underestimate the power of FANTASY. When you see Audrey Hepburn dancing around in that commercial, and lookin' so good in those pants, gap is expecting women to think "God I want to look just as chic, and look, skinny pants are back in! I better go get me some!" So we go out to the gap, and buy these pants, which look so incredibly ill-fitting on, because most women don't really have a sense of what looks good on their own body, but they do think they might look like Audrey Hepburn or Michael Jackson, so that's all that matters, right? What an incredibly awful way to alienate everybody that doesn't look like a stick figure.

Sheen gets paid big bucks for having a terrible sitcom

2006-09-29T16:43:00.000-04:00

Hollywood star Charlie Sheen is set to become the highest-paid comedy star on television following two months of pay negotiations with Warner Bros. The actor will earn $350,000 per episode for the upcoming season of hit comedy show Two And A Half Men.

DOES ANYONE EVEN WATCH THAT SHOW? HOW THE HELL DID IT BECOME THE HIGHEST RATED SITCOM? AM I MISSING SOMETHING?

PLEASE SOMEBODY CLUE ME IN!

Tracy Ullman Commits Career Suicide

2006-09-29T16:39:00.000-04:00

Tracey Ullman learned to knit as a child growing up in England. She became an avid knitter while filming the movie A Dirty Shame in Baltimore.

Now she's got a cheesy-ass book about knitting who she co-wrote with a yarn store owner.

Wha' happened Tracy? Wha' happened?

Jonesing for Janis Joplin

2006-09-29T11:40:00.000-04:00

Zooey Deschanel has replaced singer Pink as Janis Joplin in the biopic Gospel According To Janis. The singer pulled out of the Penelope Spheeris film earlier this year and, after much speculation, Deschanel was eventually selected to take over the role. Deschanel has spent the past four months working with a vocal coach to help her mimic Joplin's gritty vocals, and she will sing all of Joplin's songs featured in the film. Filming will begin on November 13 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and the film is scheduled for release in 2008. Oscar winner Renee Zellweger is attached to another film about Joplin's life, but it is currently on hold at Paramount Pictures while the script is reworked.

Meanwhile, this WAS going on in Japan...40 years ago

2006-09-29T11:11:00.000-04:00
Don't you just love Liza's two little gay boys.

Give it up for America Ferrera

2006-09-28T11:10:00.000-04:00

A bizarrely, blissfully successful hybrid of comedy, drama and soap, Ugly Betty is based on a Colombian telenovela and executive-produced by Mexican actress Salma Hayek.

Basically, it's the Devel Wears Prada set to television.

Anybody want to weigh in on whether it'll be a hit or a bomb?

Oil Wars

2006-09-28T10:49:00.000-04:00
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and his country's oil company can no longer pump gas for 7-Eleven Inc.

Amid a growing backlash against anti-American comments by Chavez [In which he called President Bush the Devil-simply saying out loud what our whole country is probably thinking] the Dallas-based convenience store giant said yesterday that it was dropping Venezuela-backed Citgo Petroleum Corp. as its gasoline supplier so it could launch its own brand.

Well, at least we're not waging war against Venezeula. Have I spoken too soon?

Smile!

2006-09-28T10:37:00.000-04:00
Opening night of the Metropolitan Opera's 2006-2007 season, at Lincoln Center in New York.

Meg Ryan: "Yes, my bad plastic surgery still makes me look like Jack Nicholson's Joker. in Batman"

The Gift of a Train Wreck

2006-09-28T10:15:00.000-04:00
To make up for not blogging yesterday, I've given you this little gift:

Columbia Pictures and Chanel held a special screening of Marie Antoinette at the Arclight Cinemas in Hollywood, with an after-party at the Chateau Marmont.

And guess who showed up:

Six!! From that 90s show Blossom

Miss Lohan has kindly requested that I give her due credit for this ridiculous ensemble. So there you have it Lohan. It's not Six from Blossom, folks!

Meanwhile, this is going on in Japan

2006-09-26T11:55:00.000-04:00

Japan's Jackasses

A very good friend of mine moved to Japan to live with his girlfriend-they just got married this past Spring, and he's teaching English to a huge Japanese celebrity that we've never heard of—like the Britney Spears of Japan. I always imagine I might see him in one of these YouTube videos some day, pulling this kind of shit:

A VICTORY FOR LIZA

2006-09-26T11:32:00.000-04:00

Curtain up! Light the lights! Ready or not, here comes MAMA.

Liza Minnelli's completely insane ex-husband, David Gest, has lost the first round of his divorce battle against Liza Minnelli after his $10 million civil assault lawsuit was thrown out of court yesterday. Gest claimed Liza turned into the Incredible Hulk during alcoholic rages, and that he was beaten so badly that he had to be hospitalized. But State Supreme Court Justice Jane Solomon wasn't buying the allegations. Instead she granted Minnelli's motion to dismiss the lawsuit after her own medical expert made it clear that Gest's much publicized headaches were caused by a strain of herpes.

You dirty, David. You dirty.

Murderer gets a Movie Deal: That's Bollywood Kids!

2006-09-26T11:15:00.000-04:00

A reformed woman bandit in India has cast aside her guns to star in a Bollywood film which will recount her life of murder and robbery in the country's parched northern badlands. Kidnapped by robbers at the age of 13, Seema Parihar struck fear among villagers living in the barren wastelands of India. She looted, murdered and abducted people until 2000 when she finally surrendered to police. Now, the 35-year-old former bandit -- who is out on bail accused of around 30 cases of murder, robbery and kidnapping -- says she wants the world to know her story.

WOW! The U.S. has got it all wrong! We should have saved Eileen Wuornos from the death penalty and instead allowed her to cash in big Hollywood bucks by starring as herself in Monster instead of Charlize Theron!

Then again, we give crack-dealing rappers like 50 Cent big G's to teach kids how to fuck up their lives, so I guess it all balances itself out in the end.

Russell Crowe: A monkey with a wig on

2006-09-26T11:06:00.000-04:00

Actor Russell Crowe said on Monday he quit an epic movie, directed by Baz Luhrman (Moulin Rouge), about the Australian outback co-starring Nicole Kidman because he doesn't do "charity work" for major studios.

"I just didn't want to work on that movie in the type of environment that was being created because of the needs of the budget," Crowe told reporters while promoting his new movie, director Ridley Scott's "A Good Year," in New York.

What he really meant to say was: They weren't willing to give me the usual perks set out in my contract, such as a jar of just the blue M&M's, a trailor with all the kiddie porn I could ever want, and an assistant who I can beat to a pulp with a telephone, so I quit.

Apparently Russell considers the $5 million plus they were going to pay him for the movie as not enough for "charity" work. Stars. They're NOT like us.

THE BEST VIDEO IN THE WORLD

2006-09-25T11:45:00.000-04:00
Yesterday, I had the chance to be a voyeur at a fashion photo shoot, which was a lot of fun, cause you get to hang out, read magazines, and look at how much really goes into making that perfect photograph. The photographers were the uber-talented and super-sexy Kate & Camilla.

While I was there I met a very funny lady who has a wicked myspace page and who introduced me to this video. It may very well be the best video I will ever have up on this blog, so CHECK IT OUT!

A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR KEITH

2006-09-25T10:22:00.000-04:00

According to IMBD, Keith Richards appearance in the second Pirates Of The Caribbean sequel descended into chaos after he reportedly got so drunk on the movie set, the film's director had to prop him up. [REALLY? GOD, THAT'S SO SURPRISING. HMM.]

The hellraising Rolling Stones guitarist finally shot his long awaited cameo as Johnny Depp's father [HOW APPROPRIATE] in Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End earlier this summer, but he is unlikely to remember the occasion which concluded months of speculation. The 62-year-old rocker is reported to have remarked, "If you wanted straight, then you got the wrong man." [YOU TELL 'EM KEITH. AND AS A SIDE NOTE, WE'RE ALL SO PROUD OF YOU FOR COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET].

FILL IN THE CAPTION FOR THIS PICTURE...

2006-09-22T12:20:00.000-04:00

Gazing Geezer

2006-09-22T12:05:00.000-04:00

Actor Michael Douglas looks up during the ringing of the peace bell in observance of International Peace Day during the 61st General Assembly on yesterday at the United Nations in New York.

But what he's really thinking is:

Hmm. What a pretty bell! Oh. I think I just wet myself. What a pretty bell!
Where am I again?

Smirky Smirker

2006-09-22T11:57:00.000-04:00

John Stamos' inner monologue:

What? You still think I need Rebecca Romijn to make me look good. Well, you're wrong. I get plenty of action. Just look at me. Chicks dig my 4 O'clock shadow and bitter/wounded smile. Plenty of action. I get plenty of it. Plenty. Of. It.

Actor John Stamos arrives at a party to celebrate the 10th season of "South Park" in L.A. last night.

Calling in Sick

2006-09-22T11:26:00.000-04:00
I have come up with so many excuses and lies for missing a day of work.

1. I find that food poisoning works really well, especially if you have all the details down, because people will always ask you what did you eat, or what restaurant did you go to, and I'm always ready with an answer.

2. Another good one is allergies. Because so many people have allergies, and know how miserable it is to feel like your head is about to explode, so you not only get to play hooky, but you also get sympathy for it from your co-workers.

3. I think by far the best excuse is if you call in, and say with a straight face, "I have diarrhea." Yes, I know it's gross, but trust me, nobody is going to inquire further about it, and nobody wants to know that you'll be coming in and stinking up the bathroom.

But the story below, which came from the St. Petersburg Times, tops all of my excuses (plus it actually happened):

A phone call from the police department awoke Kevin Jessup at 4 a.m., and he was advised not to leave his home, because there was an alligator outside his front door. Jessup, a 46-year-old plumber looked out a window to his porch, and lo and behold, there it was. Jessup went back to bed. One of his neighbors suggested the wandering alligator might be the reason the neighborhood's stray cat population has declined.

A trapper came and hauled the reptilian trespasser to a slaughterhouse in Lacoochee. Yikes.

Here's what NOT to do if you are going to call in sick. What a fuckin' douchebag. I can't believe people actually make videos of themselves like this.

NY City subways.

2006-09-21T12:40:00.000-04:00
Sometimes living in NYC just kills me. This little video isn't as bad as what I saw a few months ago on the subway platform when 3 rats were writhing in a bag of garbage that was left on the floor. But that pales in comparison to the day when I saw a homeless man shitting right in front of the turnstile where I had to swipe my card to get to the train.

ANTM TIME

2006-09-21T09:02:00.000-04:00
I already have my America's Next Top Model favorites. What, I can't have a guilty pleasure?

The twins are dorky, tall, quirky, and most importantly not assholes....yet. So they've got my vote.
They need to get rid of that girl with the brown bucket on her head - she looks like a troll.

And as for you Miss Tyra: you are the fiercest drag queen I've ever seen. That little acting display you put on last night of a raging diva was so awkward that you made my TV screen cringe.

Oh, and what's up with the CW network - so very odd. I want my trashy UPN back!!

Tom Green struggles for a comeback

2006-09-21T08:42:00.000-04:00

Tom Green, who treated us with a video of battling his testicular cancer in 2000 is going back under the knife today and bringing us along for the ride, and aren't we lucky—we get to see the whole thing!

Green is having metal screws inserted into his lower leg after a skateboarding accident last week left him with a shattered tibia. And he's going to videotape the entire procedure and show it on TomGreen.com during his nightly online talk show, Tom Green Live.

Dear Tom,
Listen. Listen very very carefully. Do you hear the slightest hint of interest about your surgery? I didn't think so. I'm here to break it to you nice and gentle-like that your career has been over for a long time now - ever since Drew Barrymore dumped your ass. There's no comeback, Ok? You have got to move on.
My condolences,
Elle Cue

P.S. I do feel sorry for your pathetic attempt at stirring up some publicity, so I'll give you a leg up and plug this: You can catch doctors repairing Tom's tibia Monday at 11 p.m. Eastern on TomGreen.com or ManiaTV.com

Andy Warhol: Jerk, Genius, or both?

2006-09-20T13:40:00.000-04:00

Andy Warhol is the subject of a new documentary by Ric Burns, to be shown tonight and tomorrow night on PBS
.

“People hate Andy and they love him,” Mr. Burns said in a recent interview at his Upper West Side office. “It’s incredible the ambivalence he generates,” he told the New York Times.

Any thoughts on Andy people?

Meanwhile, this is going on in Japan...

2006-09-20T11:48:00.000-04:00
A Japanese game show with two girls faking it and one girl actually being stimulated. Guess which girl is being real!!!

Can you imagine this being a gameshow going on here in the U.S? The FCC would probably blow up from being over-stimulated. Who would host—Alex Trebek from Jeopardy?

Liz gives away the family jewels

2006-09-20T11:18:00.000-04:00

"Run bitches, they're lots of goodies to be had!!"

Actress Elizabeth Taylor has signed a deal to give Christie's exclusive rights to handle future sales of her jewelry, art work, memorabilia, clothing and other personal possessions, the auction house said on Wednesday.

"When the items I've collected are cared for by other people I hope they will be loved and respected in a sharing way," said Taylor, 74, of her decision to see her property auctioned in the future.

Top 10 possessions I would buy from Liz Taylor's little Christie's thrift sale:
1. Head piece from Cleopatra
2. $637,000 piece of jewelry that she received from Michael Jackson as payment for appearing in his “rebuttal video” against Martin Bashir on FOX in 2003.
3. The dress she wore at the 75th Annual Academy Awards where she announced she would retire from acting--for good.
4. The tumbler full of scotch that she held in Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf
5. The shoes that she forgot to wear to Liza Minnelli's wedding. (Yes, she was the matron of honor).
6. Her blond wig
7. Her black wig
8. Her slip in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
9. Her dog
10. Her engagement ring from Richard Burton

Oh, by the way, the proceeds benefited the Elizabeth Taylor AIDS Foundation

It's Not TV, It's Worse.

2006-09-20T11:04:00.000-04:00

I recently cancelled my subscription to HBO, because I think they really suck these days. I could care less about watching Sex in the City for Men (a.k.a. Entourage), and now that Six Feet Under and Soprano's is over, and Comeback is cancelled (big mistake HBO, big mistake), what's left to watch but some crappy reruns of Carnivale?

That doesn't mean I'm going to subscribe to Showtime now. Just cause everyone seems to be high on Weeds, doesn't mean I'm convinced that Showtime's going to continue its winning streak.

Recently, Will Ferrell launched a production company and is expanding into television with "P.E.," a comedy for HBO.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, "The single-camera project centers on a guy who, after flaming out as a major league baseball pitcher, returns to his small Southern hometown to teach physical education at the middle school he once attended and has to make amends with all the people he turned his back on.
After a bidding frenzy among a number of broadcast and cable networks, Ferrell and Adam McKay, his partner in Gary Sanchez Prods., took the project to HBO in what sources described as one of the pay cable network's richest development deals." [Cause they know they need a hit].

Ughh!! More Will Farrell? His little schtick is getting old, fast, and we're gonna get tired of him, just like we all got tired of Jim Carey acting like an ass.

Clay Fakin'

2006-09-20T10:45:00.000-04:00

In this week's people magazine, Clay Aiken tries to keep it real:

On whether he's gay: "What do you say (to that question)? … It's like when I was 8. I remember something would get broken in the house, and Mom and Dad would call me in and say, 'Did you do this?' Well, it didn't matter what I said. The only thing they would believe was yes. … People are going to believe what they want."

Clay, that's a real run-around way of saying, "Yes, I'm a fudge-packer."

WARRIORS OF GOD: Kids are high on something else these days

2006-09-19T15:41:00.000-04:00
Hello kiddies,
Many of you have already seen Jesus camp. But for those of you who haven't, here's a little something to wet your whistle with. It's even better than that Kirk Cameron story I told you about a few weeks ago. Particularly insane is the little girl who's sobbing over abortion (despite the fact that she probably has no idea what it means).

Whatever happened to the old days at camp where you wear denim cut-offs and cuss at your camp counselor, and eat candy with your bunk mate at 4 am, and make out with your little best friend behind that tree that everyone either initials on or pisses on?

Meanwhile, This is Going on in Japan...

2006-09-19T12:27:00.000-04:00
On this insane Japanese gameshow, if they answer a question wrong, they get smacked in the balls.

More Brokeback than we thought...

2006-09-19T12:15:00.000-04:00

A recent study of more than 4,000 New York City men found that nearly 10 percent of participants who identified as straight admitted to having gay sex in the past year.

The study, conducted by the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene, was titled "Discordance Between Sexual Behavior and Self-reported Sexual Identity: A Population-based Survey of New York City Men."
It revealed that straight men who had gay sex were more likely than other participants to belong to a racial or ethnic minority, be foreign-born, have a lower educational level, and live outside Manhattan.
This group, 70 percent of whom were married, were less likely to have been tested for HIV infection or to have used a condom during their last sexual encounter with a man.

And here's another...

2006-09-19T11:40:00.000-04:00

The latest in a stream of messages from old men that seam to take my picture seriously. This one's from a guy who calls himself Bronx Joe.

Dear Elle,
You're a rip baby!

Dear Bronx Joe,
Thanks. You look like Mr. Clean. And whose ripped body did you stick your little head on?
Elle Cue

More letters from creepy men

2006-09-18T13:21:00.000-04:00

Here are more letters from old weirdos who write to me on MySpace:

Hello Elle,
I like your name. Don't usually go for the older ones [Does he mean ladies or animals??] but I'd like to take you out, cause you look feisty, and I like wild game. I hunt, and maybe I can take you hunting, or maybe hunt you!! Just kidding!
[Gross.] I'm a real respectful kinda guy and I think maybe we can have some fun.

OSCAR'S BUZZING

2006-09-18T11:34:00.000-04:00

The noisiest Oscar buzz at this year's Toronto film festival, which wrapped up its 10-day run last week, was geared more towards performances than films. Kate Winslet's portrayal of an adulterous suburbanite in Little Children has a strong shot for a Best Actress nomination, as does Penelope Cruz's happy little widow in the Spanish film Volver.

Catherine O'Hara gets plenty of props for her role as the hopelessly deluded, veteran Hollywood actress caught up in Oscar hype in the latest hilarious satire from director Christopher Guest (Waiting for Guffman, Best in Show).

As for the men, the very underrated Forest Whitaker may finally get his day in the limelight for his turn as Ugandan despot Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland. Sean Penn (doing what Sean Penn always does in his creepy "I'm going to kill you way) got some major applause for All the King's Men, though the film looks like it's gonna be a stinker. Peter O'Toole proves he can still breathe without an oxygen tank when he plays an aging English actor who forms an unlikely friendship with a crass young woman in Venus.

As for Infamous, that "other Capote film," well I think we all know what a waste of time it was to make that. Everything I need to know about Capote I learned from Phillip Seymour Hoffman, who already snagged the Oscar for his role in Capote last year. And sorry Sandra Bullock, I doubt your Lee Harper is better than Catherine Keener's. But maybe it is. We'll just have to see, won't we.

He might not get nominated, but Sacha Baron Cohen (HBO's Ali G) is pretty damn funny, and plays the title role of a bumbling, Eastern European news reporter in Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.

Demi Moore and Sharon Stone's respectively play boozy night club singer and trashy hair stylist in Emiio Estevez's JFK lovefest Bobby. Let's hear it for those old sexy bags!

And speaking of old bags, Dustin Hoffman and Emma Thompson (who j'adore) are apparently pretty damn good as the depressed novelist and Lit professor in Stranger than Fiction, which also stars Will Ferrell (who I have to admit is getting a bit stale.

AND...A panal of international critics gave their prize to the contentious "Death of a President," a fictional documentary looking back at the October 2007 assassination of George Bush. "Death of a President," The film was noted by the jury "for the audacity with which it distorts reality to reveal a larger truth."

History Repeating Itself

2006-09-18T11:25:00.000-04:00

The Pope gives a public apology in regards to his "anti-islamic" comments. But is it enough?

The background to the controversy, he said, was the "wish of powers whose survival depends on creating crises".

The row began last week, when the Pope repeated criticism of the Prophet Muhammad by a medieval scholar.

The speech sparked worldwide protests by Muslims. The Pope has apologised and said the views quoted were not his own. THEN WHO'S VIEWS DID THEY EXPRESS POPE? GODS? THAT'S RIGHT, CAUSE GOD SPEAKS TO YOU, RIGHT POPEY?!

Ayatollah Khamenei said the remarks by Pope Benedict XVI last Tuesday were the "latest link" in a chain of a conspiracy to set in another "Crusades."

DEAR POPE: IF YOU'RE GONNA QUOTE A MEDIEVAL TEXT ABOUT ISLAM, THEN YOU SHOULD PROBABLY EXPECT THE SHIT TO HIT THE FAN