RUN! The Aliens are back!

Don't look into their eyes! They might burn you alive with their alien juices!



Aliens Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen disguise themselves as human hobos during presentation of the Spring-Summer 2007 ready to wear collection by British designer John Galliano for French fashion house Dior in Paris on Oct. 3.

Scientologist are the new attraction at Disneyland

Look at what Scientology did to these poor sad saps.


"King of Queens" actress Leah Remini, left, along with husband Angelo Pagan and daughter Sofia, pose at Disneyland's "Halloween Time" in Anaheim, Calif., on Oct. 3.

My Body is a Wonderland.

I've never liked John Mayer. I think his songs are kinda silly, and I think his performances are masturbatory concerts—because the only person getting off on him opening up his mouth like that and rubbing his guitar over his dick is himself.



John Mayer (exposing his tiny package) performs on Oct. 4 at Glendale Arena in Glendale, Ariz.

Here's some MORE of Clinton Woopin' Ass

Watch how he touches Chris Wallace's knee and points his finger in his face. It's awesome. It's like a silver fox shredding up a little greasy possum.

Paris' Bruiser

Paris Hilton claims that Shanna Moakler, the 'Dancing With the Stars' Contestant, Punched Her.

It's about time somebody did.

Can a gay man theoretically be Republican??

Disgraced former Rep. Mark Foley said through his lawyer Tuesday that he was sexually abused by a clergyman as a teenager, but accepts full responsibility for sending salacious computer messages to teenage male pages.

Attorney David Roth said Foley was molested between ages 13 and 15. He declined to identify the clergyman or the church, but Foley is Roman Catholic.

"Mark Foley wants you to know he is a gay man," Roth told reporters as Republicans struggled with fallout from Foley's resignation.

I will tell you this Foley: You will not have any friends in the gay community, because you haven't supported legislation for gay rights at all in the past. GOOD LUCK FINDING A DATE, YOU ASSHOLE. And, you won't have any Republican friends, because they all feel like you've betrayed their right-wing bigoted ways.

I ask you, how many other closeted Republicans do we have out there? I'm willing to bet that there are hundreds of thousands, if not millions. Can someone please explain to me why a homosexual Republican could even exist? I know they're out there—i just don't know why. Why?



Here are some of Foley's Greatest Hits:
1. In the House, Foley was one of the foremost opponents of child pornography. Foley had served as chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children. [THE IRONY OF THIS IS JUST TOO PROFOUND FOR ME TO EVEN COMMENT PROPERLY]

2. In late 2000 Foley played a large role in aiding George W. Bush during the Presidential election recount controversy in Florida.

Work Woes

Yesterday, I went into my Editor-in-Cheif's office to follow-up about that raise that I asked for two months ago. She gave me the run-around, said she had asked for it from the powers that be, and was waiting on an answer. Basically, she fed me a load of bullshit. Little did I know that I was trying to hold my ground and defend my right for more money with my fly totally open.

Yes, it was an embarrassing moment for ol' Elle Cue, and yes, I saw my editor-in-chief looking towards the general area of my pants, but I thought the glances were signs of mere admiration foor my very chic shirt, so I didn't really pay any attention, until I left the office, went back to my cubicle, and realized my zipper was all the way down, and my jeans were bunched up in the front. Humiliating, yes. But now I think that my editor-in-chief probably thinks I'm crazy, and that's probably a good thing, cause maybe she'll think twice about dicking me around, cause maybe she knows I'll do something insane, like come to work with my shirt buttoned just a little too low, and expose my tits or something. Yeah, I think my little mishap just might work out for me.

Who am i kidding. Look at what an open fly has done for Bush.

Britney's Secret Song

Britney Spears has her hands full now as a mother of two, but she's still finding time to deliver new music on her Web site. Though the new version of BritneySpears.com is still under construction, the singer has hidden a snippet of what appears to be a song called "Rebellion" on the main page.

It can be heard after the growling noises simmer down and Britney morphs into a Bengalese tiger. In the song, she sings, "Be wary of others, the ones closest to you/ The poison they feed you and the voodoo that they do ... But in rebellion, there's a sparkle of truth/ Don't just stand there, do what you got to do ... You'll find it so compelling with everyone yelling/ 'Cause your soul, you're not selling, 'cause you're rebelling."

That's right Britney, you're a rebel. Rebel on, Brit. Rebel, you rebel. We all know you're not selling your soul—you're more white trash than ever—and we love it, cause that's the real you, Brit. You're a white trash rebel, and we're glad you're finally owning up to it. BRAVO, Brit, bravo.

GOOD GOD! BABS IS BACK!

Six years after declaring she was giving up live performances, Barbra Streisand returns to the stage on Wednesday to launch her first proper concert tour in well over a decade, and the biggest of her career.

Insisting she has conquered the stage fright that made her a virtual stranger to the concert circuit for years, Streisand, 64, says her comeback tour was sparked mostly by her desire to raise money for her favorite charities. [Why? Cause, people. People who need people, are the luuuuckiest peeeeople in the woooorrld.]

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU ONSTAGE BABS, YOU BIG OL' FREAKSHOW!

Madge takes a cue from Brangelina

While on a mini-break from her tour, Madonna popped over to Malawi today to adopt an African child and fund an orphan center for 1,000 children, many of whom lost parents to AIDS. That's how it's done today. You just pop into any old country and snap up a kid to adopt. What a bitter sweet fate that kid's gonna have.

Grey Gardens Tribute

The Turban people. The TURBAN!

Clinton had Monica, and Foley has his "page"

Look at this guy. Doesn't he look like a little pervy turd?


Speaker J. Dennis Hastert faced intensifying questions on Monday about why Republicans had not reacted more assertively to Representative Mark Foley’s messages to a teenage page, as members of his party, fearing a political debacle, demanded a strong response.

Mr. Foley, 52, who resigned Friday after being confronted with sexually explicit instant messages he had sent to pages, released a statement saying he had entered a rehabilitation clinic for treatment of “alcoholism and related behavioral problems.” [I DON'T BUY THAT WHOLE ALCOHOLISM BIT. THE GUY'S A PERVERT, AND I'M SURPRISED HE HASN'T ALREADY BEEN CAUGHT ON DATELINE'S TO CATCH A PREDATOR.]

At a news conference in West Palm Beach, Fla., late Monday, Mr. Foley’s lawyer, David Roth, said that Mr. Foley had sent the inappropriate e-mail messages while under the influence of alcohol and that he had kept his drinking problem secret.

A former aide and other associates said in interviews that they did not believe Mr. Foley had a drinking problem. [YEAH, EITHER DO I–SOUNDS LIKE HORESHIT TO ME]

Georgie.

"George Clooney is so desperate to bring paparazzi culture to an end, he plans to start dating as many A-list beauties as possible. The single actor/director admits his carefully thought out plan might not be entirely plausible, but believes it would soon change public perception of celebrity gossip," reports IMDB.

He says, "Here is my theory in debunking photographs in magazines. You know, the paparazzi photographs. I want to spend every single night for three months going out with a different famous actress. You know, Halle Berry one night, Salma Hayek the next, and then walk on the beach holding hands with Leonardo DiCaprio. People would still buy the magazines, they'd still buy the pictures, but they would always go, 'I don't know if these guys are putting us on or not."

GOD SAVE GEORGE CLOONEY. THAT'S ABOUT THE ONLY SANE THING I'VE HEARD A CELEBRITY SAY IN A VERY VERY LONG TIME.

What do Paris Hilton and Marie Antoinette Have in Common?

Sofia Coppola's imagining of the life of Marie Antoinette, played by Kirsten Dunst (why don't you just gag my with a barbie doll!), has her flouncing around Versailles, eating cakes, trying on shoes and gowns, gambling and giggling with her girlfriends and trying desperately to sexually arouse her betrothed king-to-be (Jason Schwartzman), who seems more interested in locks and his daily hunts then her.


HMMM.. SOUNDS LIKE THE LIFE STORY OF PARIS HILTON TO ME, SET TO THE 18th CENTURY.

OH SOFIA COPPOLA! YOU ARE ALWAYS MAKING SUCH A WITTY STATEMENT, AREN'T YOU? THANK GOD FOR YOUR SUBTLE MESSAGES ABOUT RICH BICHES, HIGH SOCIETY, AND POP CULTURE.

WHATEVER. I'LL STILL SEE IT. WHY NOT.

Spit Slinging

Avril Lavigne has agreed that spitting at the paparazzi is probably not a good thing to do. Lavigne issued a statement apologizing after she and her husband, Deryck Whibley clashed with paparazzi in Los Angeles.

I SAY SPIT ON THEM. FREEDOM OF SPIT, I SAY. HOW DOES ANY CELEBRITY EXPECT TO KEEP HER SHIT REIGNED IN SHE CAN'T EVEN TAKE A CRAP WITHOUT SOMEBODY CAPTURING IT ON CAMERA. SPIT ON 'EM, AVRIL! BETTER YET, JUST LET A BIG SMELLY ONE RIP AS YOU WALK BY THEM. THAT'S RIGHT.

Eyeing the Goods

Nelly decides whether he wants to pull a Justin Timberlake on Janet Jackson during the NBC "Today" show in New York's Rockefeller Center last week. Either that, or he's trying to cough up his gold tooth that he just swallowed.

The Prince of Androgyny

Pop star Prince attends the Versace Spring/Summer 2007 women's fashion collection in Milan, Italy, on Sept. 29.

PRINCE: "Hello earthlings! Won't you climb inside my shirt and frolick in my jungle chest hair? These two ladies at my side will be happy to escort you there."

Dave Mathew takes a dump in NJ

Dave Matthews performs at the Farm Aid concert in Camden, N.J., on Sept. 30.

You don't fool us Dave. You ain't singin'. You've just been constipated for days man, and you can't wait to get to the crapper. THE PAIN!

FASHION FOPA

France's biggest fashion group presented plans on Monday for a futuristic museum built out of glass to promote the heritage of its brands, promising the new Paris landmark would be a celebration of creativity.

The "Louis Vuitton Foundation for Creation" will be housed in a glass-clad building soaring over the trees in the Bois de Boulogne park on the city's western edge that Canadian-American architect Frank Gehry said was intended to resemble a cloud.

GREAT. THAT'S ALL WE NEED. A MONUMENT TO CELEBRATE TACKINESS AND A 100-YEAR LEGACY OF CHEAP CHINATOWN KNOCK-OFFS.

Homeless Cribs

I recently got this email from a fan on Myspace when I asked her how it was like working at a Homeless Shelter:

Been working at a homeless shelter in Salt Lake City for 5 years now as a social worker. It's tough, that's for sure, but not so much rewarding. Sometimes yes, but not too often. You have to appreciate the small things sometimes, otherwise you'd go crazy and would wanna run down every homeless person you see on the street. I'm good at parties though as I have a lotta good stories about my clients. My favorite is how I actually had to tell a client to stop letting her kids pee in pots and pans in her room. The bathrooms were too far away for her I guess so she let them do their business in pots and pans. I actually had to have a conversation with a grown adult about why this wasn't OK. Seriously! I went to grad school and am $50,000 in debt due to student loans for this shit?!?!? It can get a little disenchanting.

My heart goes out to her, so I found this little video that might cheer her up.
This homeless guy shows off his pimped ride!

Meanwhile, this is going on in Japan...

This japanese TV show teaches you english and aerobics at the same time.

Both eerie and hypnotic at the same time...

Bill Clinton gives Chris Wallace an ASS-WOOPIN'

Clinton may be flying off the handle in this video, but in the documentary "OUTFOXED" we all learned that Fox news gets their marching orders every day from the White House- what to cover, how to cover it, and how to spin it. So I don't mind of Clinton gets a little batshit crazy on their asses.

Thank God for the Turban

Photo: Kateandcamilla.com

Let it be known throughout the land that I am predicting the return of the Turban. Despite the fact that I wear one in that picture of me that's posted on this blog, there are other reasons, of course, for such a charged statement. What with all the Grey Gardens hype that's bound to come (Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore are doing the movie version), it's inevitable that the turban is going to experience a Renaissance of sorts. Just look how J.Lo has picked up on my vibe—and as we all know, she's ALWAYS been quite the arbiter of taste.

Gap Feeds 'Em the Old Audrey Hepburn fantasy

Let's get one thing straight. I'm willing to bet that 75% of American women will NOT look good in Gap's Skinny black pants. WHY? Because we aren't all created with bodies that look like twigs. What a weird thing for Gap to do—to sell skinny pants, when most of their clientele are women who wear sizes 10 and above. But of course, the GAP is never one to underestimate the power of FANTASY. When you see Audrey Hepburn dancing around in that commercial, and lookin' so good in those pants, gap is expecting women to think "God I want to look just as chic, and look, skinny pants are back in! I better go get me some!" So we go out to the gap, and buy these pants, which look so incredibly ill-fitting on, because most women don't really have a sense of what looks good on their own body, but they do think they might look like Audrey Hepburn or Michael Jackson, so that's all that matters, right? What an incredibly awful way to alienate everybody that doesn't look like a stick figure.