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Gazing Geezer

Actor Michael Douglas looks up during the ringing of the peace bell in observance of International Peace Day during the 61st General Assembly on yesterday at the United Nations in New York.

But what he's really thinking is:

Hmm. What a pretty bell! Oh. I think I just wet myself. What a pretty bell!
Where am I again?

Smirky Smirker

John Stamos' inner monologue:

What? You still think I need Rebecca Romijn to make me look good. Well, you're wrong. I get plenty of action. Just look at me. Chicks dig my 4 O'clock shadow and bitter/wounded smile. Plenty of action. I get plenty of it. Plenty. Of. It.

Actor John Stamos arrives at a party to celebrate the 10th season of "South Park" in L.A. last night.

Calling in Sick

I have come up with so many excuses and lies for missing a day of work.

1. I find that food poisoning works really well, especially if you have all the details down, because people will always ask you what did you eat, or what restaurant did you go to, and I'm always ready with an answer.

2. Another good one is allergies. Because so many people have allergies, and know how miserable it is to feel like your head is about to explode, so you not only get to play hooky, but you also get sympathy for it from your co-workers.

3. I think by far the best excuse is if you call in, and say with a straight face, "I have diarrhea." Yes, I know it's gross, but trust me, nobody is going to inquire further about it, and nobody wants to know that you'll be coming in and stinking up the bathroom.

But the story below, which came from the St. Petersburg Times, tops all of my excuses (plus it actually happened):

A phone call from the police department awoke Kevin Jessup at 4 a.m., and he was advised not to leave his home, because there was an alligator outside his front door. Jessup, a 46-year-old plumber looked out a window to his porch, and lo and behold, there it was. Jessup went back to bed. One of his neighbors suggested the wandering alligator might be the reason the neighborhood's stray cat population has declined.

A trapper came and hauled the reptilian trespasser to a slaughterhouse in Lacoochee. Yikes.

Here's what NOT to do if you are going to call in sick. What a fuckin' douchebag. I can't believe people actually make videos of themselves like this.

NY City subways.

Sometimes living in NYC just kills me. This little video isn't as bad as what I saw a few months ago on the subway platform when 3 rats were writhing in a bag of garbage that was left on the floor. But that pales in comparison to the day when I saw a homeless man shitting right in front of the turnstile where I had to swipe my card to get to the train.

ANTM TIME

I already have my America's Next Top Model favorites. What, I can't have a guilty pleasure?



The twins are dorky, tall, quirky, and most importantly not assholes....yet. So they've got my vote.
They need to get rid of that girl with the brown bucket on her head - she looks like a troll.


And as for you Miss Tyra: you are the fiercest drag queen I've ever seen. That little acting display you put on last night of a raging diva was so awkward that you made my TV screen cringe.




Oh, and what's up with the CW network - so very odd. I want my trashy UPN back!!

Tom Green struggles for a comeback

Tom Green, who treated us with a video of battling his testicular cancer in 2000 is going back under the knife today and bringing us along for the ride, and aren't we lucky—we get to see the whole thing!


Green is having metal screws inserted into his lower leg after a skateboarding accident last week left him with a shattered tibia. And he's going to videotape the entire procedure and show it on TomGreen.com during his nightly online talk show, Tom Green Live.

Dear Tom,
Listen. Listen very very carefully. Do you hear the slightest hint of interest about your surgery? I didn't think so. I'm here to break it to you nice and gentle-like that your career has been over for a long time now - ever since Drew Barrymore dumped your ass. There's no comeback, Ok? You have got to move on.
My condolences,
Elle Cue

P.S. I do feel sorry for your pathetic attempt at stirring up some publicity, so I'll give you a leg up and plug this: You can catch doctors repairing Tom's tibia Monday at 11 p.m. Eastern on TomGreen.com or ManiaTV.com

Andy Warhol: Jerk, Genius, or both?

Andy Warhol is the subject of a new documentary by Ric Burns, to be shown tonight and tomorrow night on PBS
.

“People hate Andy and they love him,” Mr. Burns said in a recent interview at his Upper West Side office. “It’s incredible the ambivalence he generates,” he told the New York Times.

Any thoughts on Andy people?

Meanwhile, this is going on in Japan...

A Japanese game show with two girls faking it and one girl actually being stimulated. Guess which girl is being real!!!

Can you imagine this being a gameshow going on here in the U.S? The FCC would probably blow up from being over-stimulated. Who would host—Alex Trebek from Jeopardy?

Liz gives away the family jewels

"Run bitches, they're lots of goodies to be had!!"

Actress Elizabeth Taylor has signed a deal to give Christie's exclusive rights to handle future sales of her jewelry, art work, memorabilia, clothing and other personal possessions, the auction house said on Wednesday.

"When the items I've collected are cared for by other people I hope they will be loved and respected in a sharing way," said Taylor, 74, of her decision to see her property auctioned in the future.

Top 10 possessions I would buy from Liz Taylor's little Christie's thrift sale:
1. Head piece from Cleopatra
2. $637,000 piece of jewelry that she received from Michael Jackson as payment for appearing in his “rebuttal video” against Martin Bashir on FOX in 2003.
3. The dress she wore at the 75th Annual Academy Awards where she announced she would retire from acting--for good.
4. The tumbler full of scotch that she held in Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf
5. The shoes that she forgot to wear to Liza Minnelli's wedding. (Yes, she was the matron of honor).
6. Her blond wig
7. Her black wig
8. Her slip in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
9. Her dog
10. Her engagement ring from Richard Burton



Oh, by the way, the proceeds benefited the Elizabeth Taylor AIDS Foundation

It's Not TV, It's Worse.

I recently cancelled my subscription to HBO, because I think they really suck these days. I could care less about watching Sex in the City for Men (a.k.a. Entourage), and now that Six Feet Under and Soprano's is over, and Comeback is cancelled (big mistake HBO, big mistake), what's left to watch but some crappy reruns of Carnivale?

That doesn't mean I'm going to subscribe to Showtime now. Just cause everyone seems to be high on Weeds, doesn't mean I'm convinced that Showtime's going to continue its winning streak.

Recently, Will Ferrell launched a production company and is expanding into television with "P.E.," a comedy for HBO.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, "The single-camera project centers on a guy who, after flaming out as a major league baseball pitcher, returns to his small Southern hometown to teach physical education at the middle school he once attended and has to make amends with all the people he turned his back on.

After a bidding frenzy among a number of broadcast and cable networks, Ferrell and Adam McKay, his partner in Gary Sanchez Prods., took the project to HBO in what sources described as one of the pay cable network's richest development deals." [Cause they know they need a hit].

Ughh!! More Will Farrell? His little schtick is getting old, fast, and we're gonna get tired of him, just like we all got tired of Jim Carey acting like an ass.

Clay Fakin'

In this week's people magazine, Clay Aiken tries to keep it real:

On whether he's gay: "What do you say (to that question)? … It's like when I was 8. I remember something would get broken in the house, and Mom and Dad would call me in and say, 'Did you do this?' Well, it didn't matter what I said. The only thing they would believe was yes. … People are going to believe what they want."

Clay, that's a real run-around way of saying, "Yes, I'm a fudge-packer."

WARRIORS OF GOD: Kids are high on something else these days

Hello kiddies,
Many of you have already seen Jesus camp. But for those of you who haven't, here's a little something to wet your whistle with. It's even better than that Kirk Cameron story I told you about a few weeks ago. Particularly insane is the little girl who's sobbing over abortion (despite the fact that she probably has no idea what it means).



Whatever happened to the old days at camp where you wear denim cut-offs and cuss at your camp counselor, and eat candy with your bunk mate at 4 am, and make out with your little best friend behind that tree that everyone either initials on or pisses on?

Meanwhile, This is Going on in Japan...

On this insane Japanese gameshow, if they answer a question wrong, they get smacked in the balls.

More Brokeback than we thought...

A recent study of more than 4,000 New York City men found that nearly 10 percent of participants who identified as straight admitted to having gay sex in the past year.

The study, conducted by the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene, was titled "Discordance Between Sexual Behavior and Self-reported Sexual Identity: A Population-based Survey of New York City Men."

It revealed that straight men who had gay sex were more likely than other participants to belong to a racial or ethnic minority, be foreign-born, have a lower educational level, and live outside Manhattan.

This group, 70 percent of whom were married, were less likely to have been tested for HIV infection or to have used a condom during their last sexual encounter with a man.

And here's another...

The latest in a stream of messages from old men that seam to take my picture seriously. This one's from a guy who calls himself Bronx Joe.

Dear Elle,
You're a rip baby!

Dear Bronx Joe,
Thanks. You look like Mr. Clean. And whose ripped body did you stick your little head on?
Elle Cue

More letters from creepy men

Here are more letters from old weirdos who write to me on MySpace:

Hello Elle,
I like your name. Don't usually go for the older ones [Does he mean ladies or animals??] but I'd like to take you out, cause you look feisty, and I like wild game. I hunt, and maybe I can take you hunting, or maybe hunt you!! Just kidding!
[Gross.] I'm a real respectful kinda guy and I think maybe we can have some fun.

OSCAR'S BUZZING

The noisiest Oscar buzz at this year's Toronto film festival, which wrapped up its 10-day run last week, was geared more towards performances than films. Kate Winslet's portrayal of an adulterous suburbanite in Little Children has a strong shot for a Best Actress nomination, as does Penelope Cruz's happy little widow in the Spanish film Volver.



Catherine O'Hara gets plenty of props for her role as the hopelessly deluded, veteran Hollywood actress caught up in Oscar hype in the latest hilarious satire from director Christopher Guest (Waiting for Guffman, Best in Show).



As for the men, the very underrated Forest Whitaker may finally get his day in the limelight for his turn as Ugandan despot Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland. Sean Penn (doing what Sean Penn always does in his creepy "I'm going to kill you way) got some major applause for All the King's Men, though the film looks like it's gonna be a stinker. Peter O'Toole proves he can still breathe without an oxygen tank when he plays an aging English actor who forms an unlikely friendship with a crass young woman in Venus.



As for Infamous, that "other Capote film," well I think we all know what a waste of time it was to make that. Everything I need to know about Capote I learned from Phillip Seymour Hoffman, who already snagged the Oscar for his role in Capote last year. And sorry Sandra Bullock, I doubt your Lee Harper is better than Catherine Keener's. But maybe it is. We'll just have to see, won't we.





He might not get nominated, but Sacha Baron Cohen (HBO's Ali G) is pretty damn funny, and plays the title role of a bumbling, Eastern European news reporter in Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.



Demi Moore and Sharon Stone's respectively play boozy night club singer and trashy hair stylist in Emiio Estevez's JFK lovefest Bobby. Let's hear it for those old sexy bags!






And speaking of old bags, Dustin Hoffman and Emma Thompson (who j'adore) are apparently pretty damn good as the depressed novelist and Lit professor in Stranger than Fiction, which also stars Will Ferrell (who I have to admit is getting a bit stale.



AND...A panal of international critics gave their prize to the contentious "Death of a President," a fictional documentary looking back at the October 2007 assassination of George Bush. "Death of a President," The film was noted by the jury "for the audacity with which it distorts reality to reveal a larger truth."

History Repeating Itself

The Pope gives a public apology in regards to his "anti-islamic" comments. But is it enough?

The background to the controversy, he said, was the "wish of powers whose survival depends on creating crises".

The row began last week, when the Pope repeated criticism of the Prophet Muhammad by a medieval scholar.

The speech sparked worldwide protests by Muslims. The Pope has apologised and said the views quoted were not his own. THEN WHO'S VIEWS DID THEY EXPRESS POPE? GODS? THAT'S RIGHT, CAUSE GOD SPEAKS TO YOU, RIGHT POPEY?!

Ayatollah Khamenei said the remarks by Pope Benedict XVI last Tuesday were the "latest link" in a chain of a conspiracy to set in another "Crusades."

DEAR POPE: IF YOU'RE GONNA QUOTE A MEDIEVAL TEXT ABOUT ISLAM, THEN YOU SHOULD PROBABLY EXPECT THE SHIT TO HIT THE FAN

Lindsay Fractures her Wrist

Lindsay Lohan was rushed to a New York hospital with a fractured wrist after slipping and falling at a Fashion Week party, her rep tells Access Hollywood.

OH NO!! HOW'S SHE GOING TO SNORT HER CRACK WITH A FRACTURED WRIST?



"There's a pending investigation" into the accident, after Lohan claimed Milk Studios didn't take proper measures to prevent slips on the slick ground. CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE'S ACTUALLY TRYING TO MAKE A BUCK OFF OF THIS?